Handicapped Parking

Advise please

2008-08-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

I think I fucked up bad today, and I know you guys are sick enough to even listen to my story. Also, please bear with me because I’m writing this as I go, it’s still really hard to even think about what just happened.

I have an autistic cousin who I’ve always felt a little strange around. Not because he’s autistic, just a kind of weird sensation in my stomach region whenever he’s around. Kind of like I was to smile real big and throw up at the same time. Anyway, today my parents had a party. This was a big party, kind of a family reunion of sorts, with most of my extended family and a few close family friends being present. Everything was going great, and it came time to serve the cake (no, its wasn’t a lie). My parents had really splurged on this cake, and it was about half the size of our kitchen table. Now my cousin loves cake, it’s probably his favorite food. Unfortunately, all the people were making him really uncomfortable, and he does strange things when he gets like that sometimes. My aunt (his mother) asked me if I could take him up to my room so he could eat his cake in a quiet atmosphere. I agreed, and we climbed the flight of stairs to my room.

We ate mostly in silence, as I’ve never been very good with talking to my cousin. I always find myself a little shy around him when we’re alone. Anyway, he was very interested in all the Gundam action-figures I had collected when I was younger, and had let sit to collect dust on one of my shelves. As these are over my bed, which was the only place to sit, he was semi-awkwardly kneeling on my bed next to me. In this extreme state of concentration he has whenever he’s examining something, he dropped some cake into my lap. Absentmindedly, he reached down to pick it up, almost as if I wasn’t there. As he did this, his hand brushed against my balls, and an odd sensation came over me. Just like the first time I kissed a girl, only it seemed so much more natural. So warm. I looked him straight in the eyes, which he could of course not return because he is autistic. Then, I slowly undid my pants, took the remainder of my cake, and smeared it on my penis.

He took no notice of this, going back to look at the things on my bookshelf. I called to him “Hey Greg, you can have the rest of my cake, ok buddy? You just have to lean down here and lick it up. Do you want it?” His head turned greedily, The saliva almost flying off of his lips. He bent down and began to devour the cake, with both his tongue and his teeth. It hurt some, but then again I’ve always had a secret liking for pain, and this only heightened the soaring amount of pleasure I was receiving. The slop of his lips and the slight roughness of his tongue was only complimented by that dumb expression he always wore. Unfortunately, just at my moment of climax, an orgasm the likes of which I had never felt before, even when masturbating to my favorite bestiality, his mother opened the door.

She came in just in time to see my load get blown all over her retarded sons face, and see his look of surprise at the unexpected shower of icing that coated his neck and chin. She stared at me with such a look of utter shock and bewilderment. I took that opportunity to yank my pants up and shoulder check past her down the stairs. I ran out of the house before anyone knew what was wrong. As I dashed down the street, I heard shouts and yells erupt from my place of residence as people realized what I had done. Fortunately, it was pretty dark, and I was able to duck off of the road and get away to find a proper hiding place. I first thought of the whole "Sanctuary" thing from movies, and ran over to the local church. Then I realized that it was late, and no one was there, so I decided I'd better ask the only people I know that would probably laugh at this instead of lock me up.

Thoughts?

2008-06-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

this is a picture of me.

This Joke is on me

2008-03-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That’s a 6’ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

This is a video of Shawn

2008-02-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

this blog sucks

2008-02-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

go here and make an account.

Motivation.............

2008-02-08T04:57:00.000-08:00

now, apparently some of you have been trying to get in touch with me. i'll make it easy for you.........FUCKING EMAIL ME!!! i can't get on myspace at work (goddamnit). some of you have my phone number. some of you don't. some of you never will. don't take it personally if you don't, it just means that i hate you.
i can also be found in the off-topic forums on sherdog. my username is Captain_Scumbag.

WHOA!

2008-02-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

Shane's role model....... a cowboys fan?

2008-01-19T04:36:00.000-08:00

Rally. In the key of Bostick.

2008-01-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

In honor of Scumbags announcement to run, I thought we should choose some rally songs. I vote this one, complete with the plastic chicks. I am especially fond of the blonde in the white... so she will be mine when I go duck hunting.

Try not to get distracted. It's a good song.

Now, before I rest my case. Can I just say that the one with the black hair would look great with a hay see- wait, no you're not about wheat in Kansas are you? Okay, I know, she could really look good milking a co- Oooo, hmmm. Dairy, Kansas... no maybe not.

Well. She'd look good enough naked with a fishing pole... can she hammer a cross though? Yeah, not sure she'd drink animal beer either.

I better get back to you on her.

Weekends in Haiku... fuseball

2008-01-14T16:26:00.000-08:00

dallas yoko ono
fuck romo.. donkey and all
cabo wabo style

fall winter quarters
no throw to TO.. no throw
thanks you made him cry

dammit.

2008-01-13T13:21:00.000-08:00

I can't believe the Chargers beat the Colts.
I can't believe the Chargers beat the Colts.
I can't believe the Chargers beat the Colts.

I wonder if it would be appropriate to offer Peyton Manning a priceless pep talk?

fuck. I can't believe the Chargers beat the Colts.

New Cabinet Members

2008-01-10T04:50:00.000-08:00

Ok future Vice President Emma (hint), here's the first prospective members of my cabinet:

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development:

Secretary of Defense:

Secretary of the Treasury (Annabella's got a business degree or something like that):

As far as a party affiliation? Well, there's only one party that I'll EVER belong to:

Shall we begin?

2008-01-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

If Scumbag is to run for president then he must consider his cabinet, his agenda, and his platform stance. He should also decide if he is Republican or Democrat, or, Liberal, or Hermaphrodite.

Then he needs to collaborate on a campaign and where to begin snatching votes. I will begin to post his announcement to run on the Pabst stands at all of the Joe's in the local area... Scumbag, you decide who fills these roles in the meantime:

Secretary of State
Secretary of the Treasury
Secretary of Defense
Attorney General
Secretary of the Interior
Secretary of Agriculture
Secretary of Commerce
Secretary of Labor
Secretary of Health and Human Services
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Secretary of Transportation
Secretary of Energy
Secretary of Education
Secretary of Veterans Affairs
Secretary of Homeland Security

I call "dibs" on Secretary of the Interior.

If you're too busy to choose your cabinet, then you must elect somebody that you trust to do it for you. Good Luck Scumbag :)

Announcement

2008-01-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

Scumbag for President 2008

I am ready to kick it on the campaign trail and looking for people to man the phones. The blog is underway and the contributions will soon be rolling in via Paypal.

More to come..

Emma, I need you to email me the photos from the previous campaign. Feel free to add them as a post if are willing and open for support.

Carl, You can be the spokes model.

Say What??

2008-01-01T16:59:00.000-08:00

Play Artist....Big Tony..

Song: "Fat & Hairy Thong Song"

Holla at my bling.

The new "feel good" movie of the year...

2008-01-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

Where will you be on January 18th?

I'll watching a movie - specifically, a movie called "Teeth". In case any of you retards are interested, here is a brief description, courtesy of Yahoo movies:

"High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth."

It's rated R for disturbing sequences involving sexuality and violence, language and some drug use - so you better ask your mom if you can go....

I really feel good about this one. I have no doubt it will be heart-warming; a true feel good movie for 2008.

Yea Baby...Yea

2007-12-31T08:54:00.000-08:00

Bowdown to Basedow

NERDS

2007-12-26T06:43:00.001-08:00

Santa

2007-12-14T17:34:00.000-08:00

I got tired of looking at those freaks.

Merry Christmas?

I was thinking that we could get on the short bus and go to this beach.

2007-12-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

http://www.blacksbeach.org/

Below is my favorite content.

Good Guys and Bad Guys at Black's Beach

This page last updated March 17, 2007 by Lloyd Johnson

Send Lloyd email.

If I ever finish this page, it will likely draw some fire. I hope it will be informative enough that anyone consulting this page will be able to use it to make their day at Black's better, even though the atmosphere is less than perfect. Some people feel uncomfortable when others sit and stare, sometimes too close. Sometimes the gawker puts on a sexual display that you probably don't want to see.

Chances for a bad day with gawkers go up if you sit far from everybody else. Isolation makes you an easy target for an all male audience. If you display too much of your affections, it will be difficult to chase them away. It could happen that couples and women will need this advice. Men are rarely confronted with this kind of unwanted attention, but rather suffer the consequences of being stereotyped.

Black's has lots of loose associations. Call them tribes. I have seen couples keep their distance from a tribe of men that are always there. This is a mistake. The regulars are your friends. These polite people will respect your space. All these I have seen are havens for a damsel in distress.

To avoid unwanted attention, sit near one of these tribes, or form one of your own. You can sit among them and join all their conversation, or you can keep a little distance and stay out of it all. You will get their protection whether you join them or not.

Just north of the trail head is a volleyball court. They are a good tribe to join. Near the north trail, at Indian Canyon, are a few more volleyball courts. They are also a good tribe to hang out with.

On opposite sides of the Valentine Slide are protective tribes. The tribe on the south side can be recognized by their game of horseshoes and they paint some of their umbrellas with horseshoes. They even rake a large area to soften and clean the sand.

The tribe on the north side is Black's Beach Bares, recognized by the yellow flag we often fly. We sometimes rake an area clean too. Some of us are pictured on the Black's Beach page. We often build sandcastles in the summer. If you sit in either of these groomed areas, don't think you're trespassing. If you sit near us, we will consider you our charge. I'm sure the other tribes feel the same.

The Greeters

It seems there are always a few men hanging out at the trailhead. We call them the greeters. It appears they want to be the first nude person you see, in order to shock you. I have found people doing lewd things at the trailhead, but they stop when I approach. Please don't think we're all like them.

Near the Trail

Most of the established groups stake claims north of the trail, leaving the trailhead vicinity unguarded. If you've spent a day in that area, please consider searching north for a group that suits you. Please don't give up on the whole beach.

The Bad Guys

No doubt the lawsuit potential of "bad guys" is very high in California, but somebody should tell you anyway. Let's just say the "bad" guys might sit uncomfortably close, sneak pictures of you, repeatedly walk uncomfortably close or do something lewd.

These men don't have a favorite spot. They are mobile, stopping only where they find an unprotected subject. They know we are on guard when they approach, so they develop ways to put you off-guard. First-time visitors rarely notice their MO, and they sometimes claim to be first-time visitors themselves.

They have plenty of questions to ask the ladies, as soon as her male friend is gone. What time is it? Where's the trail? What are the boundaries?

They sometimes carry more than one towel so they can leave each one near a promising target. They put you off-guard by taking a walk, and return later when you are less alert. When they return, they shake out the towel, but move it closer. They pretend to read a book with yellowed pages, but never turn a page.

They might also follow you to see where you sit. They may move on while you get comfortable, then return later. They will choose a spot that lines them up with your legs, but face the ocean. They might go to the water for a dip and return, but turn to face your crotch. When confronted, they all claim innocence. To those of us that see it often, it's transparent and predictable.

Another common practice of rude men is to notice a couple entering the water for a swim. They find the clothes and sit nearby, waiting for the couple to return. This enables them to claim innocence, since there was nobody there at the time.

One man in particular is a Robert Goulet look-alike. He has some sort of penile implant that he pumps up. Every time women approach, he walks to the water and washes his hands. Then he looks to see if the women do a double take at his artificial boner.

If you're not sure who's who, sit down far from anybody. The bad guys will surround you. The good guys will leave you alone, or offer you some sort of help. I'm sure the bad guys offer help too, but are there strings attached? Will they take no for an answer?

Time spent between space..... Singapore #4

2007-11-28T08:34:00.000-08:00

Rooibos Tea and Ouzo

2007-11-23T19:30:00.000-08:00

Time spent between space..... Singapore #3

2007-11-20T10:20:00.001-08:00

Time spent between space..... Singapore #2

2007-11-19T11:31:00.001-08:00

Time spent between space.... Singapore

2007-11-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

Junkie'd

2007-11-13T20:20:00.001-08:00

I love you

2007-11-12T17:22:00.000-08:00

I got my first piece of ass when I was thirteen years old, she was twelve.

I smoked my first cigarette when I was eight. It was a pall mall non filter.

I dropped acid for the first time when I was fourteen. It was pretty intense.

Alcohol is a son of a bitch.

The Stooges are underrated.

Happy veterans day.

Welcome to Brokeback Mountain. Bend over boy.

2007-11-04T16:47:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone! I apologize for being all lame and not posting and shit.

My 'job' has me involved on something grand like the fucking Egyptian fucking pyramids but bigger, like your mom.

I hope everyone had a happy Halloween and got lots of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

I got hammered and whipped some dudes ass with a plastic bone so I am told.

Being 89 MPH with the Flux Capacitor running will cause memory lapse.

The Photos below are hand selected by yours truly. ;)

Dear Fags.

2007-10-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

What the hell is wrong with you?

Is there some kind of disconnect here?

Why isn't there new shit up on this bitch?

I swear.

If somebody doesn't post something....

I'll be really upset.

And in the right mind to find you all and give you a hot carl with a cherry on top.

Sudden Death Match

2007-10-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've been keeping a secret from all of you, and I'm terribly sorry. I've debated over the last few weeks whether to come clean about who I am and what I've done - but just now finally found the "balls" to step up and admit it to you.

Four weeks ago (almost to the day) I got in an altercation with a man I was dating, and we decided to call it quits... Without going into specifics about what the fight was about, or the terrible things we said to each other... I will just summarize it as volatile.

Soon after that I was admitted to Highline West Seattle Mental Health Clinic. Feel free to check out the digs by following this link.

My therapist promised a 2 week stay with some brief follow up sessions, but it appears instead my stay will be lengthy (at best) and followed up with some Jail time at the Monroe Womens Correctional Facility.

I am so sorry my good friends. So sorry. But you realize we all make terrible mistakes in life, and my mistakes it seems are far too extreme... So maybe it's for the best that I am in a safe place in mind and body. But believe me, I wish I could take those decisions back - all of them.

You see, I can't though. I can't take back the way it felt when I drove that filet knife through the back of his shoulder blade as he turned to open the door. I can't take back the rage I felt when he said "oh, so what?!?!? You're psycho now too?!?!?" I can't take back how great it felt to watch his skin rip apart when I pulled that filet knife out and rammed it into his rib-cage as he turned around to take that swing at me. Or how I smiled as he spit blood and hit the floor, unable to catch his very last of breaths.

The feeling was power. It was adrenaline. It was pure love.

So I continued as he lay - gurgling and dying there on his precious hardwoods... Stabbing over and over again. In the joints of his legs, his genital area, his face, his neck. And his green eyes eclipsed death as he stared up at me in lethargy... the first time he ever sighed a genuine breath was his last.

Now understand this... I cared very much about him. Indeed I did. So much that I took extreme care to wash him of his wounds, re-dress him as best I could, and sit him in front of his computer as I cleaned the aftermath of the gore bath with clorox and SOS. I left a note for his maid to give her a few weeks off, and wrote an email to his friends and his clients to let them know not to worry about him as he traveled abroad. I kissed his soft ear as I strapped him in the passengers seat of my car and hit I-90 in the car pool lane.

I guess, in hindsight, if I had stopped there, I wouldn't be serving additional time in Monroe. Maybe it'd be a short stint in KCJ or a committed sentence here at the Hospital - but no, I had to push things. I had no idea that transport of a dead body and dismemberment with intent to conceal would really be an issue. I figured, his family would thank me for saving them the funeral expenses... I mean, hell, I sent them a fine map that would clearly show them the 172 places to find "him" - I spent a lot of time on that map!! And I hardly know Spokane for fuckssake! That took a lot of skill!

So yeah, that was wrong. Don't try to help the family with shit like that. They don't appreciate it. Anyway....

Being that as it may, I've made a plea deal with State and decided to come clean on the dozens of others I've done the same to (without the damn map). That' right, I'm a cold blooded killer... and it's time to hang up my meat hook and spend some down time re-inventing myself and finding God.

I hope that, even though I've told you all of this you still support me the best you can. And that you are all thankful that our relationship has been nothing more than internet fun. I also want you all to know that If I'd had the opportunity to really meet you in person, that it's most likely I would have killed you for pleasure or sport. Again, I hope you can rest easy knowing that I won't show up at your back window...

Thank you all for being you. I wish you all nothing but the best in the future.

xxxooo,
EN

Haloween pre show fuckwads! WOOOOOOO!!

2007-10-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about stuff last night in my sleep.

Shawn's silly bucket hat was one thing that flashed into my dream

Shawn,

Are you a whigger? if you are dude it is totally cool. I am a whigger sometimes..

I try to be all gangsta and wear a wife beater and shit too.

Carl? You suck.

Emma? Hows the new job? I am pretty sure that you are the new hot piece of ass everyone wants, even the spouses of the people that work there.. "who is that new bitch?" LOL!

Menace,

Stop being a fucking pussy.. That is all I have to say to your awkward no getting any tail ass..........Fagget.

V? You are too nice to make fun of. People like you don't have a 'ill fuck with you' bone in their body. I like that. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't such a jerk.

Shane,

Come back please? I will shower you with kisses and give you a good grind against the buttocks.

Mesh,

Fuck you.

Did I miss anyone?

Time for me to return

2007-10-07T13:01:00.001-07:00

100 apologizers for my absense lately. I am still alive thank god. After I was attacked by that shark while surfing, we thought I was a goner, thanks for the cards and flowers.

Attached are some photos that you may think are funny, maybe not. The gay one is for fagget ass queerbait Shawn.

Overly Blatent Messages in songs.... Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

2007-09-26T19:16:00.001-07:00

Hello there you silly fuck bags.

Can you guess who this is for?

Hidden Messages.... in songs.. девочка

2007-09-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

Seems math didn't work out so well for some.... ... maybe the video part got in the way.. we all know how carl gets with his asian anime.. hmmm... so lets make the video a non issue.. forget math... and see if it spells it out any easier....

and for bostick... lets make this especially easy for you..

а двумя зайцами погонишься... ни одного не поймаешь... В каждой шутке есть доля правды... И волки сыты.... и овцы целы

now i know after you read that you figured it out it wasn't you.. but i know you'll keep it to yourself while everyone figures it out...

There once was a man from kan-sass

Who's nuts were made out of brassss...

in stormy weather...

he'd clack them together.....

and lightning shot out of his ass......

Rarrrrr

2007-09-19T17:41:00.000-07:00

The black fella that cuts my grass came by today.

His name is moses and he is black as tar.

That is not racist.

He is totally black as tar for real.

I buy him a 12 pack of heineken and put it in the bushes.

Only I have a few bushes.

He hunts it like a panther.

Dipping and diving then pouncing on it like a wild beast.

The Heineken is like a chicken.

Only sexier.

My turn

2007-09-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Hidden messages in songs part Yo.

Hidden Messages.... in songs... echo of an echo

2007-09-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

a continuation to....

Hidden Messages .....in songs - echoing the answer

2007-09-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

I would begin this by commenting on everybodies natural enemy - "fucking math." But I'm sure you're all anxious to get to the meat of this post.

So now that we've more than likely nabbed our asians and our bang bang chickens; it's time to get on the answer to the Menaces equation on his second installment of Hidden Messages in Songs....#2:

(4+7/3+2+6)--+--(1+(2x2)+(4-3)4)

Yes... fucking math indeed... The first lesson of equating fucking math is to take the cock out of your mouth... I thought everybody knew that. I took one for the team.

So, here you are Team..... And Johnny....Here is your answer:

I'm sure you'll find it echoes.

The rest of you try not to eat babies in the next 5 minutes after realizing what the answer was.

Hidden messages.... in songs #2

2007-09-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Since the last one was easily spelled out... i thought i would change things a bit and make it about 2 people and... lets try with everyone's natural enemy......

fucking math

Grab the nearest asian.. you'll need them for the formula below to figure it out... while the 2 people that get the hidden message.. feel free to skip the math portion...

For those that need to google and read the lyrics its by Outkast..

Dracula's Wedding

(4+7/3+2+6)--+--(1+(2x2)+(4-3)4)

Hidden Messages.... in songs

2007-09-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

This song is meant for one person in our blogger circle only.... it has their name written all over it...
sorry its not for you... but if you want to guess you should focus at these points..

smells like seven layers,...
he got wind of the big brown beaver...
and she shows it off to all her friends
wynona loved her big brown beaver...
now rex he was a texan out of new orleans

A little weekend theme music

2007-08-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hope you get the hint.

Weekends in Haiku

2007-08-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Drunk Karaoke
Mad donkey chased us in the
dark. Whataburger

... feel free to share

That part

2007-08-25T17:00:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the two seperate

and become one again.

Wanna get in my head?

I've invested in a sewing machine.

Happy hump-day!

2007-08-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

Wake up assholes, the lack of activity here is alarming. Shawn cannot blog anymore because Jen got mad that I said I beat off to her photo even though I didnt beat off to it at all not even twice. Carl is still being a bitch about the Washington thing and menace is gone again.
What is the point of this post? Nothing. I just wanted to say hi.

so HI!

Nice weekend

2007-08-10T17:05:00.000-07:00

I once faced my deepest of fears.

When my bowels up and reversed their gears.

I lost my smug grin.

Tried to hold it all in.

But finally shit out of both ears.

I had a this dream (again)

2007-08-10T06:36:00.000-07:00

Okay,
So I'm sitting on this beach in Paradise with Scumbag, who is wearing a Strawberry Shortcake costume and flicking Chuck E. Cheese tokens off of my forehead - when one in-particular token had caught my eye as it disappeared down into my cleavage.

I go to fish the token out from my bra, when I notice that my top is filled to the top with banana pudding. After some effort, I retrieved the token and sucking it clean of any remaining pudding - but found that I could not understand what it said. So I handed it off to Scumbag (who is putting on his lip liner). He reads it to me in Bosnian "VIP pass to Spacklerfest..." He says "Good for one Admittance."

"Wow." I plumed. I was very thrilled! I could feel my nipples get harder and harder by the second... But it wasn't because of the special token, it was because of the pain in Scumbags eyes as he realized He'd have to stay and I would be going to the party.

But just then...

Jesus Christ shows up, covered in "bling". He seems extremely mellow for a Monday, perhaps it was the fact that he had his finger up his ass. I took the token back from Strawberry Scumbag and show it to Jesus Christ. JC pulls his finger out for a moment and shakes it at Scumbag.

"You need to be here to feed the baby! But no worries." Jesus returned his finger to his ass as he spoke - prodding and jabbing "You will be compensated." Out from his ass, Jesus Christ pulls 5 shit covered e-tabs and sticks them to Scumbags forehead.

"Gad Dammit Jesus Christ." Scumbag is still speaking Bosnian.

Jesus pulls out his wallet. It is plastic, brown, and woven with yellow yarn. On it, it reads 'You are my sunshine... cunt.' "Okay, how about those and another $20... It's all I got."

So, throughout this conversation I'm busy smearing banana pudding all over my body; thinking that's the perfect thing to wear to the VIP room at Spacklerfest. But Jesus looks over and notices what I'm doing, and decides He wants to lick the pudding off the bottom of my feet.

I protest because that's where it feels best.

Scumbag is hurt, because now he is breastfeeding... And his milk has not "come in" yet. Scumbag makes it known he only eats banana pudding with Asian hookers.

In a fit of fury Jesus Christ calls for his father, God. In no time God shows up with a carton of Sunny Delight and a donut. I scream in a fit of horror because God is Calzone and Calzone-God looks at me like I'm top sirloin (slathered in banana pudding).

I start to run as God/Calzone reaches for me; but I trip over Shane and Psycho Baby, busting my ass on the sand. Shane starts to cry, Psycho Baby begins to curse and spit fishing hooks at me. Immobile and ultimately threatened; I reach for a coconut and use my arms to shield myself from the fishing hook fury.

Suddenly there was this huge flash of light and the sky strobed a bright pink color. Calzone-God retracted in horror and the Scumbag/Psycho Baby breast-feeding-fish-hook-fury dou ceased and went back to their nourishing.

Once the smoke from the blast subsided, there stood Shawn - the great warrior. He held a toy Ray gun covered in pig flesh and his cock hung out from the bottom of his plastic power ranger armor. Immediately, the fishing hooks that were stuck in my pudding gravitated toward his cock like paper clips to a magnetic paper weight; and I was free to move to safety.

Shawn spoke with a stutter "S-s-s-st... S-s-s-sss-t Sta Sta Sta.... S-stay away from M-M-M-mm-mm-m-m-m my siss my siiiiss.... s-s-s-...s-s-s..."

"Enough Dilly. God-Calzone crossed his arms "Take it easy on the flim flam totes. You're getting all bound up in the round up about this shizzim. I'm just going for cupcakes."

"Shazam!" An all too familiar voice boasted from beneath the ocean; and up from the murky depths raised this fish-like thing with a HUGE vagina for a face. I squinted against the bright sun and harsh reflection off of the water, only to find out it was, indeed, Bostick. "Shit face. You have to kill the girl!"

I was petrified. That vagina fish that looked like Bostick had a huge staff with staph. Anybody that's had a staph infection knows that shits hard to shed... and then, how would I be able to go to Spacklerfest?!?!? Though Jesus Christ and Shane seemed fairly laid back (and possibly entertained); JC with his finger lodged complacently in his ass, and Scumbag perched on a sandy hill, breastfeeding psycho baby... Only now he had big, beautiful, voluptuous tits. I wanted to suck one, at least pinch a nipple.

Plastic Power Ranger cock magnet Shawn began to bicker with vagina face fish - like a couple of old ladies. As they ranted, Mesh popped out of the underbrush... Took one look at their outfits... shook his head... and crawled back into the jungle.

After seeing this, I decided that while everyone was distracted with bullshit, I could sneak out through the bushes unnoticed too. So, I ducked out... Fighting through the thick jungle brush with my strap-on ...on.

"Where do you think you're goin....cutie?" I froze. The voice didn't sound familiar, in fact, it was foreign, but it was female. And after that question came a giggle... But an echoed giggle. And before me appeared two beautiful maidens in white gauze gowns; Valyna and Huneeb. They were entangled in each others dresses - almost like conjoined Siamese twins. My strap-on began to grow. The girls continued to giggle at me.

Before long I had them both on the mossy grass of the jungle beach in our own little naughty lipstick lesbian-like world; and was pleasuring them both better than any (almost any) man could. In the distant background of our eroticism you could barely make out the sounds of lasers blasting and shards of lightning from the staph staff being exchanged. Apparently God-Calzone must have been hit because it began to rain.

Wet, horny, and totally into each other; we girls lapped at the banana pudding and giggled profusely at our agenda. And then I brought them to climax, and as they did so together, it created a sound unlike any I've heard before - and out from the trees popped Tumbleweed on a rhino.

The Valyna and Huneeb nymphs scurried to Tumbleweeds side. Weeds flowing red hair wrapped the girls securely - like a blanket. I sat mesmerized at her rhino... It was fucking huge! Tumbleweeds hair lifted the girls to safety, behind her on the rhino, as she chanted her words to me.
"I don't think you paid for that."

And then the three rode away.

I cried for a moment.

Looked at my token.

Rubbed it.

*to be continued

Happy Thursday Assholes!

2007-08-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

Let's dispel some rumors here, shall we?

1. Is Jen really Editor Shawns wife?
Yes. That is my wife. Introduce yourselves if you haven't please.
Johnny Menace and Bostick please DO NOT introduce yourself to my wife, she is from Russia and tends to take things very literally.

2. Are Carl and Emma having a lovers quarrel?
No. Spacklers disappeared and Emma's having internal dialogue issues.
Carl stop being a fag, Emma's not really pissed at you. Emma's still loaded, she couldn't be mad at anybody.

3. Did Calzone blow up Monkeys blog?
Yes, though he did it wrong if you ask me. Next time Calzone feels the need to blow up a blog, I recommend he pack himself in C-4.... And save us all the time and misery of having to deal.... Dilly.

4. Are Johnny Menace and Bostick fucking?
No. Well, yes. Okay kinda. From what I heard they've been cyber sexing for the last couple of weeks and it's getting serious. Just yesterday Bostick offered me up a piece of his wife in exchange for my JM + ES head band.

FYI - My headband fit tighter than his wife did.

5. Did Emma get laid off?
Yes. But she's going to start stripping and working tables at some clubs downtown. If that doesn't work she's moving to Thailand to shoot darts out of her snatch. I bought her a donkey just in case neither of those options are successful.

6. Is Carl homosexual?
Yes. Between last weekend and all of his ass-penetration comments; if he wasn't I'd be fucking shocked.

7. Does Emma have hardwoods or carpet?
Hardwoods.

8. Does Bostick have a penis AND a vagina?
Yes. The penis is really small and his vagina is a gaper. If you gchat or yahoo with him he will send you a picture (Johnny told me that).

9. Why isn't Huneeb a member?
Some one needs to make Huneeb a member of this blog, and for fuckssake Huneeb please get laid. Emma will be in Long Beach, CA next week... Meet her at Disneyland a week from now and have her fingerbang you at the Tea Cup ride.

Yo MAMA!

2007-08-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

Yo Mama has stainless steel teeth and brushes with Sheila Shine.

Yo Mama is so fat she played the part of the rolling ball in raiders of the lost arc.

Yo Mama is so greasy she jumped in my car, slid onto the floor board and got a booger on her leg.

Yo Mama got a mullet with a Jerri Curl.

Yo Mama is so tough she beat Mike Tyson.

Yo Mama's house is so small I put a key in the door and stabbed you in the living room.

Yo Mama is so skanky she gave me cat scratch fever with her toenails.

Yo Mama aint got no hands talkin about high five.

Yo Mama's glasses so thin she can see into the past.

Yo Mama got a gold tooth with a pot leaf on it.

Yo Mama so old when Moses parted the red seas she was there fishin. Talkin about you owe me a rig.

Yo Mama aint got no feet talkin bout lets kick it.

Yo Mama got one ear and a burnt potato chip.

Yo Mama so fat when she dances at weddings the band skips.

Yo Mama so big she uses a VCR as a beeper.

Yo Mama got a glass eye with an 8ball on it.

Yo Mama so old she cleaned Fred Flintstones house.

Yo Mama so old her titties spit powdered milk.

Carl's Rebuttal...

2007-08-06T18:53:00.001-07:00

for the record, i am disappointed that we didn't meet up as well. as it turned out, the best time to do it was friday night. i couldn't make it to where you were and you didn't want to come to where i was at. this has nothing to do with me pussying out but rather not having enough time in Seattle.

More of Carl Spackler!

2007-08-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

He is a frenchman and a gay..

Pooh Bear

2007-08-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry Bostick, I had to edit your original post.
Don't worry, I will still give you credit for the youtube below.

Pooh Bear,

my spidey senses tell me that you are somewhere in Seattle/Bellevue hung over and still wreaking of Sushi, beer and bloody mary. If that is the case, then we need to test how sharp your skill set is after jetlag and hang-over.

As a sidenote: No man has ever been able to be out late, drink or fly, and still satisfy me the next day... even the day after... If you can prove you are more man than those men I will grant you pardon in any small countries I have ambassador status in.

I propose a game of Hide and Seek.
If you win and find me, we can go drink and pop e-tabs as long as you like (or, your cock falls off, whichever comes first). To make it really interesting, I will wager a picture of my completely naked, full frontal self on this blog, as well as a 2007/08 NFL season declaration of love for the Jets... I figure that should get Bostick and Shawn to back you on support, and you will really need it, as I am hard to find, and you are most likely still shitfaced.

That being said, here is a little hint: Today I am wearing a black hoodie, jeans, flip flops.. and my hair is in a ponytail.

Okay.
So game on... ends at 7pm today because I fucking KNOW you're going to show up at that club tonight and that's bullshit because you already knew I was going to be there four days ago.

And now back to a simulation of EXACTLY how Carl was crunking last night at the bar... That man has some smooth moves.

--Love, Piglet (and Bostick)

It's Almost Time...

2007-08-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

for my much anticipated trip to Seattle. for those keeping score at home, i'm flying out of Reagan National on Delta around 2pm with a return flight on monday. i'm hoping there won't be a David Beckham like media bonanza at the Seattle airport but you never know. i'm definitely looking forward to meeting a certain 5'3 sex kitten that we refer to as "Emma". maybe we will get drunk together and prank call all of you retards.

fondlingly,
Carl

Photography

2007-07-30T16:39:00.000-07:00

I was hired to take a photo of some people having sex and here it is.

I only got one and hope you like it.

Question of the Day...

2007-07-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

hope all you retards had a nice weekend. here is a question for you to ponder...

at what age do you think the penis stops growing?!?!?

A) ages 0-5
B) ages 6-10
C) ages 11-15
D) none of the above

i don't know the answer and was curious as to what you might think.

ps- the count down to SpacklerFest in Emma's pants, uh, i mean Seattle is only 3 days!

I had a bad dream

2007-07-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

i was riding a rocking horse and snorting coke with my dead friend Jay when all of the sudden God came up and told me that Jay's diaper needed to be changed.

so I said...

God, I don't do diapers anymore, all my boys are grown up.

So God said I needed a good finger-banging and to take off my vinyl lederhosen so he could eat me out.

So as I'm trying to remove my lederhosen Johnny Menace rides in on a Harry Potter toy broom with a pair of scissors... and cuts my lederhosen.

Jay starts to cry.

Out of nowhere Bostick shows up with a scrawny orange tabby cat and offers it to Jay who starts to lick it's asshole. Bostick gets mad and punches Johnny in the face who then tears open Bosticks shirt and cuts his left nipple off.

Bostick bleeds..... God starts eating me out.

The three boys start playing battleship and who knows what else is going on in the back ground, but it sounds like fingernails on a chalk board and the type of sound you get when you stick a salad tong in a bowl of pasta... anyway....

After God is finished, he gets up and wipes his chin, only he looks upset at something underneath his robe. I, of course, think it's because Jay needs a diaper change so I get up to hand Bostick a turkey baster and a Sunday Newspaper... But Bostick screams and turns his head in horror instead...

Carl is under Gods robe and Carl has vampire teeth and wants to give Bostick a Hot Carl because his bloody nipples are really a turn on. But God wants Carl to finish the rim job.

I sit down with Johnny Menace and we snort mass quanities of Jay's coke through one of those foot-long pixie stix straws while Jay chases God who is chasing Carl who is chasing Bostick who is chasing the tabby cat because he lost his class ring up it's asshole.

Then they all throw down and start coloring on each others taints in magic marker.

So, Johnny and I asked... "wow, that's a hell of an act, what do you call it?"

God looks up from his purple scented magic marker and says... "The Aristocrats"

Help Emma.. Dating advice

2007-07-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well you guys did SO well with helping Carl out, I thought I would go ahead and see if you could give me some direction on my current dating issue. I hope you all realize that my "dating" is a little more challenging than Carls.... So please try and keep up.

Three weeks or so ago I ran into an old friend. He was the best friend of the guy I was dating my Senior year of High School - for today's purposes we'll call him "Jacob".

We hit it off... old sparks and feelings and all that... we decided to meet for drinks. He had just changed places of employment and was short on change so I offered to pay ($46 bar tab).

We agree to go out that weekend, Friday night. Okay, Friday nights are normally on fire for me anyway and we were both strapped for time and frugality on the way to the club... So I bought dinner ($12) on the way to go up and buy the drugs ($180). I shared my cigarettes (avg. abt $10), AND I drove ($28) as fast as I could to get him to the booth on time. I did NOT have to pay for drinks or cover cause I was with the DJ. We had a fantastic time until Saturday morning... One of the best evenings I'd had in awhile in fact and we hit it off really well. Well enough for us to want to see each other again very soon.

EDIT: I also bought condoms for just in case ($9)....

He says he wants to take me to dinner and a movie. Ok. Tuesday, great. Meanwhile, he gets terribly sick so I bring him soup, oranges, chewing gum, and Powerade ($31) on Sunday - tuck him in and "See you Tuesday!"

Tuesday he stood me up at the movie theater and texted me to say he'd explain later. Thurdsay afternoon he finally texts me to tell me he's found a great girl and blah blah blah.... So, ok. I wished him the best of luck and told him not to be a douche, he could have told me.

I hadn't seen or heard from him since... until last night when he sent me a text about finding my ring at his house.

So I go over there to get it... and.... and... he hands me the ring and apologizes for standing me up. He then tells me I look great and he was an asshole and he's glad I came over.

Then, apparently, this thing with this girl didn't work out for him. He realized when he "dumped" me that he'd made a bad decision. Because of that, he broke it off with the girl and REALLY wants to do dinner and a movie with me now - and he missed me.

And when it was time to go he asked me what I was doing tonight (friday).... and then we hugged and he wouldn't let go for a few moments... and then the fucker kissed me on my cheek.

So...

Do I go out tonight? Do I give the guy a second chance? Do I just appreciate the fact that he could bolt at any time (which actually works for me) and set myself up for that again? Do I not go out with him and save myself another how many hundreds of dollars?

And can somebody add up how much I fucking spent that weekend please for chrissakes?

Help. Please. Thanks!

ps - Carl you pig fucker you better be ready for me..... A week from now your ass is mine... and don't think I don't have connections... :) heh.

Tao for Carl..... bang that pilot

2007-07-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

Carl.. now we all want to save you from the friend zone you have fallen into.... you're obsessed with asians and japanamation .. so what better way to approach this for you to understand than using Tao philosophy

Eliminate your desires.
Do something excellent in her presence, thereby proving your sexual worthiness.
Retreat, for as Heidegger said, "We pursue that which retreats from us".

Ok eliminate your desire... don't think about getting laid.. that pilot probably smelled the eagerness on you which is why she told you about working in the morning.. women can sniff out agenda.. you need to eliminate your desire to get laid in order to get laid.. ....ever tell a girl she can't join a club with you..... what does she do.... ask you 100 questions and find out everything and every possible way to join that club... because its unattainable

proving your sexual worthiness... well shit carl... i don't know .... what are you good at...

You went to the bar and met up with her friends because you were in pursuit... but in doing that you showed her that she didn't have to do much to pursue you... in fact she knows she doesn't have to do anything..... Come on carl.. this pilot bitch wants to feel like she caught a lion or bear... make her hunt.... why is she going to pick up your sad puppy dog ass as a charity case... Tattoo this on your dick so you don't forget "Seguimos el que se retira de nosotros"

anyone else with some advice for Carl... feel free to tact on..

Sexy hos at the beach

2007-07-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

I took a walk on the beach earlier and was able to snap a few photos of some hot bitches laying out in the sun.

Date Recap...

2007-07-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

my dick is so sore right now. just kidding. as expected there was no action. overall i would say it went well. here are some tidbits...

- she is a fucking pilot! can you believe that shit. i've hooked up with a flight attendant before (atleast she said she was) but never a pilot. as a matter of fact, she is preparing for a test that will promote her to captain which apparently is a big deal.
- she was home schooled
- she graduated college in 3 years
- she owns 3 houses
- she looked hot lastnight (as did i)
- dinner went well. great conversation. afterwards she invited me to go with her to a bar where some of her friends were. she's got some cool friends.
- it turns out we actually know alot of the same people.
- she is a cool chick but there is something a little strange about her but not in a freaky way
- no idea if she is into anal
- i'd hang out with her again.

discuss amongst yourselves....

I have a date tonight...

2007-07-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty stoked!

i'm definitely going to jerk off beforehand. normally i would trim my pubes but i took care of that this past weekend. do you guys have any other suggestions to help ensure i have a fantastic time this evening?

:) happy saturday !

2007-07-21T19:51:00.001-07:00

Uncle Fucker - Southpark

Add to My Profile | More Videos

I was playing with some food and got a little carried away

2007-07-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Don't get too drunk!

Emma's Webcam....... on the voting block

2007-07-19T14:42:00.001-07:00

If you can remember back to the Wedding Party days... then you have heard of EN's webcam...

EN has been kind enough to let us vote on whether or not see will up it back up... all you need to do is vote Yes or No... in the comments now before we vote i need to make some cases for the yeahs and the nehs.... First the Cons

Cons of EN webcam

1. Shawn would get an aneurysm
2. Bostick would jack himself blind
3. Murshy would criticize on why she wore underwear that day to the point where he would have to make himself a mojito to calm down
4. Valyna would jack herself blind
5 EN possibly could get fired again
6. and a lot of puppies could die in between..
7. Karl runs out of fingers for his ass

Pros
1. Shawn would get an aneurysm
2. Bostick would go blind
3. Murshy would criticize on why she wore underwear that day to the point where he would have to make himself a mojito to calm down
4. Valyna would jack herself blind
5 EN possibly could get fired again
6. and a lot of puppies could die in between..
7. Karl runs out of fingers for his ass

...............Well... ...........shit... there really isn't a difference............... Oh..... and there's also the fact you could get a shot like this.....

now everyone cast your vote.......

Menacing advice........ violated and rejected

2007-07-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

Hello Johnny Menace (johnny_menace)

You have posted content to Yahoo! Answers in violation of our Community Guidelines or Terms of Service. As a result, your content has been deleted. Community Guidelines help to keep Yahoo! Answers a safe and useful community, so we appreciate your consideration of its rules.

Question: help me meet criss angel?

Your Answer: commit suicide... maybe you'll see him in hell?

Deleted Answer: commit suicide... maybe you'll see him in hell?

If you feel this content was removed in error, please contact Customer Care and tell us why.

Regards,
Yahoo! Customer Care

Deep Thoughts With Carl...

2007-07-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

sometimes life kicks you in the balls and you get frustrated and depressed.... and all you want to do is get an 8-ball, some E bombs, a pizza and a case of beer and then lock yourself in a room for a weekend so you can try and make it go away. its times like this when i have to remind myself of a quote from J.R. Ewing from the legendary show Dallas. he once said "Don't ever let those bastards get you down." there is a lot of truth in that statement.

the humidty has been so bad here on the east coast that i have gotten sweat rings under my arms even when i'm inside!?!? WTF... i've put on copious amounts of powder and deodorant.

my trip to seattle can't come soon enough...

:(

I think you guys might like this...

2007-07-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

especially if you like seeing illegal immigrants being made fun of...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fVWhJ_047c

Happy Friday Homo's!

2007-07-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

So, I was sitting here thinking.

I got laid every way to Tuesday last night and I tell ya - the afterglow is fucking phenomenal. Even better? The dinner we cooked together (which was top-fucking-notch), and the two bottles of wine, and conversation just before we tore each others clothes off delved into how much of a 'top' he is and always needs to have control..... and, well...

ok

anybody that knows me...

knows that... well.... ok I really can't just NOT.....

Anyway, so I'm sitting here thinking about the fact that it's Friday the 13th and everybody will be on edge about shit. Further, everybody knows that people get a little silly on this day about superstitions and what not.

So you already know you're going to hear "Oh, it's Friday the 13th" all fucking day... and you'll want to stick electrodes in your ear canals and stand in a puddle of piss and water by the end of the day because of it...

so... because I am in such a fanfucktingastic mood. Because I was given too so much that I want to give to others... I am going to share a piece of last Sundays photo shoot that were taken for an advertisement in a local alternative paper (for a local leathersmith)....

That and, I'm an attention whore.

Happy Friday the 13th... Now go cuff it.

Random Thoughts With Carl...

2007-07-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

i thought i would share some stuff that i have been thinking about lately...

- a desire to have sex with a post-menapausal woman
- i'm currently watching a Dateline NBC interview from 1994 with Jeffrey Dahmer. is it weird that i am fascinated with serial killers?
- aside from seeing the 7 wonders of the world...i would also like to snort an 8-ball and go on the Price is Right. i get a hard-on just thinking about Plinko.
- i might be heading down to Atlanta next week for a job interview. would that be weird if Bostick and i were in the same state?
- who the fuck is Mesh?
- i think i'm getting bored of masturbation...is it time to get a toy and spice things up?
- i'm definitely going to trim my pubes before heading to seattle.

discuss amongst yourselves...

Wet pussy

2007-07-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

Can somebody tell me...

2007-07-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

Is Monster Girl still waiting on my peanut butter and fisting?

Because I'd like my questions answered before I continue my "I want to be a celebrity blogger" series.

Thanks!

Fat hos like to sit on me.

2007-07-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

That is me in the first video and these fat bitches make pre-cum drip out of the tip of my cock.

Bostick,

2007-07-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

Kelly wanted to be sure you got this message.

kelly ripafart said...

hey bostick! look what your "friend" carrie said about you:

for one thing? i do not like bostick i think he is a lying backstabber and insane. i don't trust him as far as i can throw him. i don't trust his friends, either. they are all wackos.
carrie | Homepage | 07.04.07 - 9:12 pm | #

Love you homo,

Shawn

PS - Kelly call me! I'll still fuck you even when they flare like that!

Let's learn about Sea Hags!

2007-07-04T19:41:00.000-07:00

Let's play a fun game called "let's put a face to a name!!!" We'll start with the term "sea hag".

Here is the term defined:

Sea Hag - Sea hags are fully aquatic, with an appearance so horrific that it saps the strength out of living creatures. The sea hag is also able to use her "evil eye" to kill or daze victims. They have been known to come ashore in order to seek out young drunk boys for their prey, who often have a huge feeling of shame and regret in the morning.

A sea hag looks like this:

Now I will leave it up to you to decide which lucky bachlorette looks more like a sea hag. Really, it's your call....

Bachelorette #1: (defined). Domestic but not pinned down. Successful. Determined. Worked for everything she's ever had. Committed to her lovers. Loyal and over abundantly cared for in her own circle of friends who she is sure to keep contact with at will. Not too many, not too little. Innocent eyes and creatively kind to the point that nobody regrets spending time with her.

Short, round face. button nose. tiny forehead. quirky smile. She looks more like a midget.

Or Bachelorette #2. (defined) Silver spoon fed evil eye cock-blocker that had 4800 friends on her myspace so I doubt she sends Christmas cards. After reading her blog (and I got bored at least 15 times with that) I was able to establish that she's more concerned about losing weight then she is about the 10,000 fans. Unless of course she's bashing you for being like her... intentionally or not. Is she committed? no. Not to a person but I think I have a 'ward' that would love to put her back on Zoloft.

Long face. long pointy nose, large spacious forehead you could land your cock on. And if she mentions her friends its a fucking stretch. Can somebody tell me why this bitch doesn't smile? My vote is for #2 but we're all different of course.

So, alright, Sea Hag. .... It's your call.

Mooke pookie doo

2007-07-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Now that the Handicappers are involved in this drama I must say...

I hope they packed a lunch.

And now for some public service announcements.

Raymi The Minx

2007-07-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

OK y'all(I say y'all because I am from south Georgia and still live here) Raymi is my friend, my dog. However, recently she has said things to me that are not only concerning but also hurtful.

She called me a doof, told me that she was 'above' me, blamed me for being her comment hater(not me fag), an asshole, fuck you,jerk and called me bananas.

I am not bananas I am BOSTICK!

Why all this drama girl?

I thought we were friends dude.

We need to talk..

call me.

2007-07-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

Okay so I've been a bit bored as of late, and frankly a little depressed. Ever since I took my blog down there's been a plethora of Celebrity Bloggers popping up. So I am left to wonder... Why did I take the Bubblegum Meltdown blog down?

I could have been somebody, I could have been a contender.

I'm a little jealous and quite frankly put out that they didn't have these "awards" and "titles" when I was blogging. Perhaps they were there but I simply wasn't paying attention.... I was busy masturbating no doubt.

So. I am going to try to get back in the swing of things. I am going to try a "come back." I mean, hell it worked for Flava Flave, Bobby Brown, even Mariah Cary. Hey, didn't George Hamilton have a come back too?

Fuck who knows. Okay. So after careful studying of a good handful of "celebrity bloggers" I have been able to establish a "format" that i think will work for me. I have copied this format and hope that it will toss me haphazardly into Celebrity Blogger status... and then I will get your votes.

ABOUT ME

Here is me in my studio. I do all of my best work here. Often times, things get messy and I have to clean it up but as you can see, today it's just moderately dirty. You should have seen it last week, if you vote for me and maybe do a little ass kissing... I'll show you those pictures.

FRIENDS & CELEB FRIENDS

Every celebrity blogger has a picture of them with some wayward quasi-star I have never heard of... or a plethora of friends that nobody really gives two shits about.... that they feel they have to tell the world about for some reason.

So I am going to post mine.

Here is a picture of my good Jew friend, Jon Stewart, and his upside down and backwards hairy man nipple.
(He's jewish so he doesn't really tan).

This picture was snapped at Gary Colemans coming out party. It was silly. I got so drunk I puked in Jessica Simpsons make-up bag. I blamed it on Nicki Hilton and asked Mike Rowe to clean it up for me.

Here is another good friend of mine, Dirty Sanchez. He doesn't say much. Feel free to stop by and say hello.... What a lucky stiff... look at that view of the sani-can.

Another good friend of mine, and her ass. I think this is a good celebrity shot. She is the Brittney Spears to my Paris Hilton (only sans beaver shot). I get to spank it sometimes.

MY STUFF IS SO FUCKING COOL

Celebrity bloggers also get to post their paintings and works of art on their blogsites and people buy the shit or compliment them even when it sucks. So i expect ass-kissing compliments or I will make my blog private and not invite you.

This is a painting I did for charity. I think it's one of my best. I will take bids on it starting at $1.50 US currency only please.

I don't want to hear about how the color scheme is off. I meant to do that you fucking faggots.

Here are the contents of my refrigerator.... Notice the celebrity-type food items? Yes, I try and keep my ice box packed with the best of the best in haute cuisine... The Perrier is in the back even though people tell me that's passe'. If it's so passe' then why did you pass up my IPA for the shit?

And that's really fatty whole milk because I don't fuck around with my dairy products. I don't eat tofu... I am a carnivore that cannot live without red meat in one of my crevices at least ONCE a week. And that could potentially make me larger than life.

ME AGAIN

Here's another picture of me because I find celebrity bloggers to be narcissitic bitches that enjoy looking at themselves or showing off their underwear.

I am naked under that and I have the hottest body ever. You know you wish you could see it but you can't. All you've got is this picture to let your mind imagine how good it could be for your hands to run over my tight curves, soft supple body...

Smooth legs....
Unkept hair....
Cleanly shaven pubic regions.

Come and get it fuckers...

MORE OF MY STUFF

These next two pictures are random artistic shots that I find celebrity bloggers depend on so their friends and readers will ask good questions that will prompt another post and keep them interested. Normally, I rely on wit and suspense when I write but apparently that's not what gets your vote so I'm going for this angle:

This is a shot of my bathroom shelf. If you can name all the items verbatim I might send one of these to you autographed and used.

The tongs I use to circumsize small children and animals. And the bowl next to it is celebrity style trail mix tainted with ludes so they'll stay still until I'm finished.

This is my bass guitar. I play it often. When I need to wax the strings I rub the neck between my legs until they get nice and slippery. It's the only way I can do a true mechanical slide with a piece of equipment...

And here is my back scratcher that doubles as a spanking tool. I posed with it so you can see how sexy it makes me look. That's celebrity-type hotness you fags. Bow down.

All of the things above are for sale on my "Yard Sale" blog called "Everybody thinks my shit is cool but it's all crap really." Be sure to check it out. You may have to pay postage until I get cool enough to afford sending overseas.

MY TITS

So whats the common denominator for being a celebrity blogger. Well apparently it's tits. That's right. All kinds of tits. Big tits, little tits, round tits, flat tits. Yep. In fact, if you don't snap at least ONE picture of your boobs and publish it, there's no way anybody will even visit your blog!

I bet you didn't know that?
Well, it took a lot of research and shitty drama type comments to pick through before I decided that I should absolutely go ahead an thwart shyness and show my "Boys" so I can make the grade.

My ultimate goal is that somebody will put a shitty comment up here about how terrible and old they look so we can have some really great blog drama like the celebrities do!!!

Soon.... the 2nd is always easier

2007-07-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

UGHHHHHHH PORN UGHHHHHHH

2007-06-29T20:01:00.000-07:00

This is some porn I was wackin it to about five minutes ago. I hope you get off on it like I did UGHHHHHHH

Belated Birthday Kisses

2007-06-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

Bostick,

I'm sorry I missed your birthday dude.You know I totally like it up the ass and I wanted to send you a gift to tell you how much I appreciate your friendship but I didn't have enough time to throw your gift package together.

I know you're anxious to get it and I am sending it today, but I thought I would tell you what you'll be receiving in case you need to stock up on accessories... Like popcorn, or extra strength lubricant.

My gay lover #8 will only let me suck his cock on every other day and that is something that really gets on my nerves. I want a cock in my mouth every day.

First thing, remember that one time you told me about that vinyl? The one that you couldn't find anywhere?!? Well, I found it. I will make sure I pack it well so it doesn't break in transit.

Second thing, the number #2 thuper thpecial edition of "Gay Comix". This is the one where Uncle Sammy takes little TJ into the sauna room and tells him about his real dad... Oh, shit, shouldn't have thrown in that spoiler huh? I know you'll like the illustrations.

Third item, A large print to hang in your bedroom to fill that space above your bed where the Lance Bass poster used to hang. I hope it's big enough to hide the thumbtack holes. You might have to do a little patching.

Fourth, a movie. I would love to come and watch it with you and all but I'm shy as fuck. I mean, you're an attractive guyand I get off on the way you comb your hair and I admit there's been a mancrush once or twice on you. But shit... I'm not letting you cop a feel unless you put extra butter on that popcorn for me.

Fifth, the phone numbers of these two girlie men I ran into at the Gay pride festival. I was carrying your print home when they stopped to admire it and before I know it I'm explaining to them about how there's this queer down in the South that's really fanTAStic! I showed them the picture I carry around of you in my thong and they want to come visit. No worries, I have the flight paid for, you just say when.

Sixth, an Autographed self-help book for your wife and kids. I think Becky would get more use out of this then you would. It came with a free strap-on but Emma stole it before I had a chance to pack it.

And lastly, a little Asian Porn because every man should get some action on his birthday. I figured this would help you get in the mood and I know you love bananas. I know you might be disappointed in my choice, but I tried to find that one from the youtube clip you sent but apparently they don't do that shit with eggplants overseas.

So there you go bud. Happy Birthday. I hope you enjoy your gift box and you can thank me when we meet in San Fran with Johnny Menace to do the Polar Bear Club get-together. Bring that porn if you can, and that other movie. Oh, and maybe the number for those two guys I send so Menace can have a turn.

Okay gotta go the cum is starting to leak out of my asshole.

Love and Kisses to my favorite faggot,

Editor Shawn

fuck

2007-06-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

Why does everybody down here look like wrinkled fruit leather?

Why do I suddenly feel like the twice removed mafia daughter of some distance butcher with a prison record, a pound of bacon, and a bagel shop every time I walk into the delicatessen to buy a bagel?

Why is everything so fucking cheap here?

Why is the sand nicer?

Why isn't Bostick here yet. If he stands me up I'll be PISSED and never talk to him ever again... never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever.

well maybe. but prolly not.

I have all sorts of fantastic questions.... more soon... I'm going to swim up the coast now.

Today is my birthday but not yours!

2007-06-20T06:15:00.000-07:00

First, I am going to do is this!

And This!

Then I am going to smoke some crack and some pot, in that order!

Then I am going to make sweet love to this hot woman!

Then I am going to do a little body painting!

Then I am going to crank off to a little porn!

I hope you have a nice day on my birthday too!

A dedication

2007-06-14T09:29:00.001-07:00

You shouldn't have to look up the lyrics... but feel free....

Something for Scumbag

2007-06-10T11:45:00.001-07:00

Since most of you liked my transcript at the Paddy Wagon so much, I decided to make a little something for Scumbag.

Because I miss his stupid ass around here.... and his daughters are cuter 'an shit.

(edit)

2007-06-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

Thank you Bostick for the Admin rights and thank you Valyna for the compliment and the body butter visual. I just want everybody to be aware that I just fucked myself on the bedroom floor and I'll probably do it again before the night is over.

I really dig carpet burn on my cheeks. Gives me that 'rosy' healthy glow in the face.

Also... Shawn, I made a phone call. I know how you like to be nosy about these things so I decided to share it with you.... You can find the full transcript at the Paddy Wagon.

yes. I got your BFF's permission before I posted. He sends your mother his love...

http://thapaddywagon.blogspot.com

DANG!

2007-06-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

You. Complete. Me.

2007-06-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

I think there's been a huge misunderstanding here... And when I say mis-understanding I mean that perhaps we're so ready to pummel Shawn's ass with a traffic pylon that we're not stopping to understand WHY Shawn does the assholish things he does.

Well I've thought about it. I think that Shawn thinks I don't care.

:( awwww.

Well, I do care Shawn, I care a lot.
I care that you were brought up in a beat-down shack somewhere south of hick hell, had no decent clothes for school and went without school lunches most days.

I care that you were picked on because you wore THOSE glasses.

I care that your dad kicked the shit out of your mother... And that your mother whored herself to steal you away to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of the night where you and your sister could be safe from mid-night fondling sessions courtesy of your uncle.

I also care that your mother cleans hotel rooms for a living... and she's white.

I care that you lived at home until you got married, and still are dealing with your (detachment) Oedipus complex to this day when you visit her every evening.

I care that you loved a Real Doll for a good years worth of time and that you bathed her tenderly in the bathtub when she was "used".

I care that you have erectile dysfunction.

I care that you have mild brain damage and have difficulty with your cognitive response.

I care that you are married to a wonderful woman who has no idea you have a child waiting for "daddy" to come visit somewhere in mid-America.

I care that your wife likes it when I eat her pussy in the back of your new car.

I care that she squeals and curls her toes and tells me she's glad she's bi and we're the best of girlfriends.

Lastly, I care that you are so into me that you have to attack any man that shows interest in me other than how "neat" I move.

I care that you've been the only person in the entire planet that I have actually considered sleeping with and have not.

I care that you think that I think it's okay for you be such an asshole but it's an illness you can't control.

I care a lot, Shawn. I do.

You're my buddy... Like a little brother... the little retarded brother that finally learned how to use the fork.

I don't want to be angry.... I want to give you a big hug. Because I understand all of the above makes you the person you are today. The angry, bitter, sad sad man that is you....

To show you how very much I feel for you and how neat I think it is that even after you gang-banged my email boxes yesterday.... I decided to dedicate a song to you to show you just how I feel.... still....

Cause buddy, I just can't put it in words.

Can he edit his way out of this one?

2007-06-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

Shawn - First, you hack into her Email which is illegal by the way.
Second, you steal her private property only to post it and rub it in her face like some sicko.
THEN, you tell me she will laugh about it and its all good rip on it.
I will have to say, that is the lowest, LOWEST thing ever posted on this blog.
Even worse than calling Tumbleweed 'Rhino' over 59 times.

I hope that big brown somabitch friend of hers hunts you down from his native land and whips your scrony ass because you deserve it.

Fag.

Em - Sorry I laughed sugar.

Ha... slut.

2007-06-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

.....

Feel free to have the picture.

*sigh

2007-05-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

listen, fags....

Somebody do something with this blog before I take my high heeled shoe and shove it straight up your anus.... or rather by your anus... whatever works.

you all suck.

In the mean time, here is my 'blogger' touring schedule. Should anybody wish to kick me in the side of the head you will find me at these locations throughout the summer.

Until then.....

June 15th-17th - Las Vegas (psycho baby)
June 21st -26th - Ft. Lauderdale Miami (Bostick)
July 9th - 13th - Dallas/Fort Worth (Menace)
July 18th - 26th - Bogota Columbia (White Devil)
August 4th - Fuckfest (Carl and Huneeb)
August 9th-11th - Portland/Spokane (Editorshawn)
August 18th - Phoenix (martinimini)
August 19th - 25th - Las Vegas (martinimini)
August 26th - Phoenix (martinimini)

fuckheAds :)

I found something retarded!

2007-05-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

This is by far the gayest most retarded girl fight I have ever read on blogger. I am in fact shocked by its overwhelming gayness and feel that it would be rude to not share it with you.

This is the URL.

This is the Comment hole.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend and doesn't get anything lodged in their ass unless Carl is doing the lodging with his little penis.

Now watch this.

Dear god what happened..

2007-05-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

Hot Anorexic chicks

2007-05-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

Since no one is looking at this blog I might as well post some hotties for my own self pleasure. When I bang skinny hos like these I take a Xylophone mallet with me so I can play Mary had a little lamb on their rib cages. That and meth.

THIS IS GAY!

2007-04-25T06:17:00.001-07:00

Just like Bo!!

http://www.procreo.jp/labo/flower_garden.swf

Female bodybuilders will kick my ass

2007-04-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

This is hot

And this is too.

And this

Eeewwww!

2007-04-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is not such a bad that thing Anna Nicole did not live to 80!

Just for you Biscuit

2007-04-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

I was going to save this for her birthday, but a couple of these pictures just couldn't wait. So I decided to give her a little premonition of what's to come on May 5th, 2007. I hope you're ready Emma - It's gonna be a little like this:

Four reasons why I love Everything Nice
- by her friend Shawn-

1. Seeing the obvious in the littlest things.

2. Eating.

3. Definite nature lover.

(5). But most of all I love my bestest friend because... She likes to sit in the bathtub and lick the bubbles off of her nipples.

This short message has been brought to you by the Letter E.

Thank you for your time.

Happy Anal Lube Wednesday!!

2007-04-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

TIckle Me Emo

2007-04-10T10:29:00.000-07:00

Lets work together to prevent future posts that will completely depress the shit out of this place, such as Johnny's lovely Radio head youtube contribution, or Bostick's Fetus Soup.

http://theemoquiz.com/

Enjoy.
Oh, and so far I have taken it upon myself to bless both Bostick and Johnny Menace with exciting offers and online coupons!

Mondays are for fucking off

2007-04-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

Got Milk?

How about A unicorn?

Do you want to punch this guy in his fat head?

Kittens?

Have a happy Monday. I am going to go hit the bong.

Back to the light.... the character's encore

2007-04-08T06:13:00.000-07:00

What is left to say.. when this captures it all.. in every sense...... ...even for those who will misread it...