I have a date tonight...
i'm pretty stoked!
i'm definitely going to jerk off beforehand. normally i would trim my pubes but i took care of that this past weekend. do you guys have any other suggestions to help ensure i have a fantastic time this evening?
i'm definitely going to jerk off beforehand. normally i would trim my pubes but i took care of that this past weekend. do you guys have any other suggestions to help ensure i have a fantastic time this evening?
posted by Carl Spackler at 8:55 AM
27 Comments:
Carl,
It all depends on what kind of 'date' you have setup.
Is this the sort of date where you'll need to mind your pints and quarts, your use of the salad fork, the firmness of your handshake as you exchange pleasantries with her father?
Or do you just need to double check that there's $200 on the dresser before she arrives?
helskel,
its more like the first option you mentioned above. we've hung out before with friends but this is our first one on one date.
she has to leave for a business trip tomorrow morning so my guess is there won't be any hanky panky.
she's leaving in the morning.. friggin perfect! get on that shit.. pound her ass and send her off sore. This is perfect timing for a 'first date'.
Keep her up late too.. she'll smirk every time she looks in the mirror the next day since she'll have that 'freshly fucked' face and the 'bed hair' on the airplane.
My gawd man this is perfect. Oh ... don't pay for dinner either, she's obviously got a good job make her pay!
Do not drive her to the airport - it'll make her needier than her genes have already made her. Chicks and airports are fuckin death traps for a guy, emotional bitches.
And in case anything goes wrong,
keep that $200 handy.
steal her credit card.. no one likes to carry cash
Either way,
good luck, Carl!!
yes yes.. my apologies for my brashness.
God Speed Carl - and remember the phrase 'swallow or it's going in your eye' has to be used at precisely the right moment.
The best time to fuck a woman is before she gets on a plane.
I would be more than happy to give you my proven thesis if you'll have it Carl.
Good luck tonight!
emma,
i would certainly appreciate your proven thesis on this topic.
the only way i'm taking her to the airport is if she sucks my cock. she told me she gets back in town late saturday night. maybe she'll be horny and want some Spackler in her!
If you Spackler....it will dry to an impenetrable hardness!
Oh....and please shower....with soap and scrub your ass with a brillo pad!
Did you buy some fresh condoms Carl? The one dated 1993 in your Velcro wallet may have a crease in it.
Is it a black or white man?
Are you going to Riverdance?
Are you going to put 'products' in your hair?
Did you get a haircut and shave your neck?
You need to get some Aqua Velva. Women love that stuff because it reminds them of their father.
Rum is good this time of year.
Go to the store and get some brand new shoes. New shoes always get you laid.
stick,
great questions. hear are your answers...
- its a white girl
- we are going for sushi
- i'm going to use my normal pomade or whatever the fuck its called.
- i was hoping to get a haircut before tonight but my gook stylist can't fit me in until tomorrow night
- i use an alcohol free toner made by Kiehls. its much better than aqua velva.
- i plan on having some Sappporo with my sushi. maybe some saki.
- tonight i'm wearing a pair of black kenny cole shoes. the chicks love them.
also, my condoms are only a couple of months old. although, it probably isn't a bad idea to stock up.
You better get some KY liquid for ass fucking if she is ready to come off the cornhole.
The truth is,
Carl Spackler is the most sophisticated of all of us.
I mean, who's ever heard of 'sushi' before... or shoes with names?
I'm proud of ya boy...
*sniff
Helskel - I am proud of him too.
I bet Carl has some blow too.
Blow the man down!
i wish i had some blow. its been awhile since i did some.
that's good carl.. and make sure you talk about blow during sushi...
now no one has told you what to do to get out of a jam....... like say if you you start acting like you... so here's my cock snot for this cookie...
when you get to the restraunt palm a dinner roll.. or piece of soft bread... don't let her see you do this.. go ahead and stick your fingers in the bread and keep it in your lap or pocket where she can't see... this will help you when the urge to stick your fingers in someones ass hits you... this way you don't talk about her ass or how you want to finger the guy across the sushi bar .. you can already picture your fingers in ass and push and wiggle around in that roll
shit in the roll if you have to sniff your fingers afterwards...
H - ..sushi.. Kenneth cole... i disagree.. i think its when he said "alcoholic free"
Silly Menace they don't serve dinner fucking rolls at sushi joints!
And yes Kenneth Coles tend to be hot! They just are, great designer of mens shoes..
Make sure you smell nice! And open the door for her, make her walk on the inside of the sidewalk, tip well! Chicks still like that even if they don't admit it...
Good luck! :)
ok.. not a dinner roll.. just something ass like where he can stick his fingers in it..
and don't listen to her carl.. make her work for it.. make her earn every taste in her mouth
Did you get some ass fucking action!?!
Can I say that though Carl could not use a dinner roll (silly menace).. I'm sure he was creative enough to stack three california rolls together and apply pressure to form a ball...
in which he could then finger for effect. The dinner roll is a fantastic idea but, its true, you run out of options at a sushi bar....
So. That being said, I think it's safe to assume that since Spackler did NOT comment first thing this morning that he is STILL at home trying to figure out whether he got ass or not...
I'll get to work on my "fuckingherbeforeherflightthenextmorning" thesis for you Carl, and we can go over it when you get here next weekend.
PS- Walking on the inside of the sidewalk dictates that I cannot run or disappear from your side if the need arises. It also dictates that you care enough about me to bump shoulders with the assholes walking the other direction.
Please put me towards the street where I am safe...
It also dictates that you care enough about me to have ME bump shoulders with the assholes walking the other direction.
Furthermore, being as short as I am... putting me on the inside of the sidewalk is like putting a 2 year old in a 55mph river current.
*shakes head*
felt that edit was necessary...
That's why I carry you on my shoulders when we go out on a date!
Spack,
If you did not get the pussy then you need to ditch the Kenneth Cole shoes. Women don't really love them if they're not spreading like gonnorhea by 9pm.
Also, Sushi on a first date? What are you thinking?
i've had several Sushi first dates. whats wrong with that?
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