Friday, August 15, 2008

Advise please

I think I fucked up bad today, and I know you guys are sick enough to even listen to my story. Also, please bear with me because I’m writing this as I go, it’s still really hard to even think about what just happened.

I have an autistic cousin who I’ve always felt a little strange around. Not because he’s autistic, just a kind of weird sensation in my stomach region whenever he’s around. Kind of like I was to smile real big and throw up at the same time. Anyway, today my parents had a party. This was a big party, kind of a family reunion of sorts, with most of my extended family and a few close family friends being present. Everything was going great, and it came time to serve the cake (no, its wasn’t a lie). My parents had really splurged on this cake, and it was about half the size of our kitchen table. Now my cousin loves cake, it’s probably his favorite food. Unfortunately, all the people were making him really uncomfortable, and he does strange things when he gets like that sometimes. My aunt (his mother) asked me if I could take him up to my room so he could eat his cake in a quiet atmosphere. I agreed, and we climbed the flight of stairs to my room.

We ate mostly in silence, as I’ve never been very good with talking to my cousin. I always find myself a little shy around him when we’re alone. Anyway, he was very interested in all the Gundam action-figures I had collected when I was younger, and had let sit to collect dust on one of my shelves. As these are over my bed, which was the only place to sit, he was semi-awkwardly kneeling on my bed next to me. In this extreme state of concentration he has whenever he’s examining something, he dropped some cake into my lap. Absentmindedly, he reached down to pick it up, almost as if I wasn’t there. As he did this, his hand brushed against my balls, and an odd sensation came over me. Just like the first time I kissed a girl, only it seemed so much more natural. So warm. I looked him straight in the eyes, which he could of course not return because he is autistic. Then, I slowly undid my pants, took the remainder of my cake, and smeared it on my penis.

He took no notice of this, going back to look at the things on my bookshelf. I called to him “Hey Greg, you can have the rest of my cake, ok buddy? You just have to lean down here and lick it up. Do you want it?” His head turned greedily, The saliva almost flying off of his lips. He bent down and began to devour the cake, with both his tongue and his teeth. It hurt some, but then again I’ve always had a secret liking for pain, and this only heightened the soaring amount of pleasure I was receiving. The slop of his lips and the slight roughness of his tongue was only complimented by that dumb expression he always wore. Unfortunately, just at my moment of climax, an orgasm the likes of which I had never felt before, even when masturbating to my favorite bestiality, his mother opened the door.

She came in just in time to see my load get blown all over her retarded sons face, and see his look of surprise at the unexpected shower of icing that coated his neck and chin. She stared at me with such a look of utter shock and bewilderment. I took that opportunity to yank my pants up and shoulder check past her down the stairs. I ran out of the house before anyone knew what was wrong. As I dashed down the street, I heard shouts and yells erupt from my place of residence as people realized what I had done. Fortunately, it was pretty dark, and I was able to duck off of the road and get away to find a proper hiding place. I first thought of the whole "Sanctuary" thing from movies, and ran over to the local church. Then I realized that it was late, and no one was there, so I decided I'd better ask the only people I know that would probably laugh at this instead of lock me up.


Friday, June 06, 2008

this is a picture of me.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

This Joke is on me

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma’am, I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn’t believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That’s a 6’ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

Monday, February 25, 2008

This is a video of Shawn

this blog sucks

go here and make an account.

Friday, February 08, 2008


now, apparently some of you have been trying to get in touch with me. i'll make it easy for you.........FUCKING EMAIL ME!!! i can't get on myspace at work (goddamnit). some of you have my phone number. some of you don't. some of you never will. don't take it personally if you don't, it just means that i hate you.
i can also be found in the off-topic forums on sherdog. my username is Captain_Scumbag.

Friday, February 01, 2008


Saturday, January 19, 2008

Shane's role model....... a cowboys fan?