Friday, August 31, 2007

A little weekend theme music

Hope you get the hint.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Weekends in Haiku

Drunk Karaoke
Mad donkey chased us in the
dark. Whataburger

... feel free to share

Saturday, August 25, 2007

That part

Sometimes the two seperate

and become one again.

Wanna get in my head?

I've invested in a sewing machine.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Happy hump-day!

Wake up assholes, the lack of activity here is alarming. Shawn cannot blog anymore because Jen got mad that I said I beat off to her photo even though I didnt beat off to it at all not even twice. Carl is still being a bitch about the Washington thing and menace is gone again.
What is the point of this post? Nothing. I just wanted to say hi.

so HI!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Nice weekend

I once faced my deepest of fears.

When my bowels up and reversed their gears.

I lost my smug grin.

Tried to hold it all in.

But finally shit out of both ears.

I had a this dream (again)

So I'm sitting on this beach in Paradise with Scumbag, who is wearing a Strawberry Shortcake costume and flicking Chuck E. Cheese tokens off of my forehead - when one in-particular token had caught my eye as it disappeared down into my cleavage.

I go to fish the token out from my bra, when I notice that my top is filled to the top with banana pudding. After some effort, I retrieved the token and sucking it clean of any remaining pudding - but found that I could not understand what it said. So I handed it off to Scumbag (who is putting on his lip liner). He reads it to me in Bosnian "VIP pass to Spacklerfest..." He says "Good for one Admittance."

"Wow." I plumed. I was very thrilled! I could feel my nipples get harder and harder by the second... But it wasn't because of the special token, it was because of the pain in Scumbags eyes as he realized He'd have to stay and I would be going to the party.

But just then...

Jesus Christ shows up, covered in "bling". He seems extremely mellow for a Monday, perhaps it was the fact that he had his finger up his ass. I took the token back from Strawberry Scumbag and show it to Jesus Christ. JC pulls his finger out for a moment and shakes it at Scumbag.

"You need to be here to feed the baby! But no worries." Jesus returned his finger to his ass as he spoke - prodding and jabbing "You will be compensated." Out from his ass, Jesus Christ pulls 5 shit covered e-tabs and sticks them to Scumbags forehead.

"Gad Dammit Jesus Christ." Scumbag is still speaking Bosnian.

Jesus pulls out his wallet. It is plastic, brown, and woven with yellow yarn. On it, it reads 'You are my sunshine... cunt.' "Okay, how about those and another $20... It's all I got."

So, throughout this conversation I'm busy smearing banana pudding all over my body; thinking that's the perfect thing to wear to the VIP room at Spacklerfest. But Jesus looks over and notices what I'm doing, and decides He wants to lick the pudding off the bottom of my feet.

I protest because that's where it feels best.

Scumbag is hurt, because now he is breastfeeding... And his milk has not "come in" yet. Scumbag makes it known he only eats banana pudding with Asian hookers.

In a fit of fury Jesus Christ calls for his father, God. In no time God shows up with a carton of Sunny Delight and a donut. I scream in a fit of horror because God is Calzone and Calzone-God looks at me like I'm top sirloin (slathered in banana pudding).

I start to run as God/Calzone reaches for me; but I trip over Shane and Psycho Baby, busting my ass on the sand. Shane starts to cry, Psycho Baby begins to curse and spit fishing hooks at me. Immobile and ultimately threatened; I reach for a coconut and use my arms to shield myself from the fishing hook fury.

Suddenly there was this huge flash of light and the sky strobed a bright pink color. Calzone-God retracted in horror and the Scumbag/Psycho Baby breast-feeding-fish-hook-fury dou ceased and went back to their nourishing.

Once the smoke from the blast subsided, there stood Shawn - the great warrior. He held a toy Ray gun covered in pig flesh and his cock hung out from the bottom of his plastic power ranger armor. Immediately, the fishing hooks that were stuck in my pudding gravitated toward his cock like paper clips to a magnetic paper weight; and I was free to move to safety.

Shawn spoke with a stutter "S-s-s-st... S-s-s-sss-t Sta Sta Sta.... S-stay away from M-M-M-mm-mm-m-m-m my siss my siiiiss.... s-s-s-...s-s-s..."

"Enough Dilly. God-Calzone crossed his arms "Take it easy on the flim flam totes. You're getting all bound up in the round up about this shizzim. I'm just going for cupcakes."

"Shazam!" An all too familiar voice boasted from beneath the ocean; and up from the murky depths raised this fish-like thing with a HUGE vagina for a face. I squinted against the bright sun and harsh reflection off of the water, only to find out it was, indeed, Bostick. "Shit face. You have to kill the girl!"

I was petrified. That vagina fish that looked like Bostick had a huge staff with staph. Anybody that's had a staph infection knows that shits hard to shed... and then, how would I be able to go to Spacklerfest?!?!? Though Jesus Christ and Shane seemed fairly laid back (and possibly entertained); JC with his finger lodged complacently in his ass, and Scumbag perched on a sandy hill, breastfeeding psycho baby... Only now he had big, beautiful, voluptuous tits. I wanted to suck one, at least pinch a nipple.

Plastic Power Ranger cock magnet Shawn began to bicker with vagina face fish - like a couple of old ladies. As they ranted, Mesh popped out of the underbrush... Took one look at their outfits... shook his head... and crawled back into the jungle.

After seeing this, I decided that while everyone was distracted with bullshit, I could sneak out through the bushes unnoticed too. So, I ducked out... Fighting through the thick jungle brush with my strap-on ...on.

"Where do you think you're goin....cutie?" I froze. The voice didn't sound familiar, in fact, it was foreign, but it was female. And after that question came a giggle... But an echoed giggle. And before me appeared two beautiful maidens in white gauze gowns; Valyna and Huneeb. They were entangled in each others dresses - almost like conjoined Siamese twins. My strap-on began to grow. The girls continued to giggle at me.

Before long I had them both on the mossy grass of the jungle beach in our own little naughty lipstick lesbian-like world; and was pleasuring them both better than any (almost any) man could. In the distant background of our eroticism you could barely make out the sounds of lasers blasting and shards of lightning from the staph staff being exchanged. Apparently God-Calzone must have been hit because it began to rain.

Wet, horny, and totally into each other; we girls lapped at the banana pudding and giggled profusely at our agenda. And then I brought them to climax, and as they did so together, it created a sound unlike any I've heard before - and out from the trees popped Tumbleweed on a rhino.

The Valyna and Huneeb nymphs scurried to Tumbleweeds side. Weeds flowing red hair wrapped the girls securely - like a blanket. I sat mesmerized at her rhino... It was fucking huge! Tumbleweeds hair lifted the girls to safety, behind her on the rhino, as she chanted her words to me.
"I don't think you paid for that."

And then the three rode away.

I cried for a moment.

Looked at my token.

Rubbed it.

*to be continued

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Happy Thursday Assholes!

Let's dispel some rumors here, shall we?

1. Is Jen really Editor Shawns wife?
Yes. That is my wife. Introduce yourselves if you haven't please.
Johnny Menace and Bostick please DO NOT introduce yourself to my wife, she is from Russia and tends to take things very literally.

2. Are Carl and Emma having a lovers quarrel?
No. Spacklers disappeared and Emma's having internal dialogue issues.
Carl stop being a fag, Emma's not really pissed at you. Emma's still loaded, she couldn't be mad at anybody.

3. Did Calzone blow up Monkeys blog?
Yes, though he did it wrong if you ask me. Next time Calzone feels the need to blow up a blog, I recommend he pack himself in C-4.... And save us all the time and misery of having to deal.... Dilly.

4. Are Johnny Menace and Bostick fucking?
No. Well, yes. Okay kinda. From what I heard they've been cyber sexing for the last couple of weeks and it's getting serious. Just yesterday Bostick offered me up a piece of his wife in exchange for my JM + ES head band.

FYI - My headband fit tighter than his wife did.

5. Did Emma get laid off?
Yes. But she's going to start stripping and working tables at some clubs downtown. If that doesn't work she's moving to Thailand to shoot darts out of her snatch. I bought her a donkey just in case neither of those options are successful.

6. Is Carl homosexual?
Yes. Between last weekend and all of his ass-penetration comments; if he wasn't I'd be fucking shocked.

7. Does Emma have hardwoods or carpet?

8. Does Bostick have a penis AND a vagina?
Yes. The penis is really small and his vagina is a gaper. If you gchat or yahoo with him he will send you a picture (Johnny told me that).

9. Why isn't Huneeb a member?
Some one needs to make Huneeb a member of this blog, and for fuckssake Huneeb please get laid. Emma will be in Long Beach, CA next week... Meet her at Disneyland a week from now and have her fingerbang you at the Tea Cup ride.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007


Yo Mama has stainless steel teeth and brushes with Sheila Shine.

Yo Mama is so fat she played the part of the rolling ball in raiders of the lost arc.

Yo Mama is so greasy she jumped in my car, slid onto the floor board and got a booger on her leg.

Yo Mama got a mullet with a Jerri Curl.

Yo Mama is so tough she beat Mike Tyson.

Yo Mama's house is so small I put a key in the door and stabbed you in the living room.

Yo Mama is so skanky she gave me cat scratch fever with her toenails.

Yo Mama aint got no hands talkin about high five.

Yo Mama's glasses so thin she can see into the past.

Yo Mama got a gold tooth with a pot leaf on it.

Yo Mama so old when Moses parted the red seas she was there fishin. Talkin about you owe me a rig.

Yo Mama aint got no feet talkin bout lets kick it.

Yo Mama got one ear and a burnt potato chip.

Yo Mama so fat when she dances at weddings the band skips.

Yo Mama so big she uses a VCR as a beeper.

Yo Mama got a glass eye with an 8ball on it.

Yo Mama so old she cleaned Fred Flintstones house.

Yo Mama so old her titties spit powdered milk.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Carl's Rebuttal...

for the record, i am disappointed that we didn't meet up as well. as it turned out, the best time to do it was friday night. i couldn't make it to where you were and you didn't want to come to where i was at. this has nothing to do with me pussying out but rather not having enough time in Seattle.

Friday, August 03, 2007

More of Carl Spackler!

He is a frenchman and a gay..

Pooh Bear

Sorry Bostick, I had to edit your original post.
Don't worry, I will still give you credit for the youtube below.

Pooh Bear,

my spidey senses tell me that you are somewhere in Seattle/Bellevue hung over and still wreaking of Sushi, beer and bloody mary. If that is the case, then we need to test how sharp your skill set is after jetlag and hang-over.

As a sidenote: No man has ever been able to be out late, drink or fly, and still satisfy me the next day... even the day after... If you can prove you are more man than those men I will grant you pardon in any small countries I have ambassador status in.

I propose a game of Hide and Seek.
If you win and find me, we can go drink and pop e-tabs as long as you like (or, your cock falls off, whichever comes first). To make it really interesting, I will wager a picture of my completely naked, full frontal self on this blog, as well as a 2007/08 NFL season declaration of love for the Jets... I figure that should get Bostick and Shawn to back you on support, and you will really need it, as I am hard to find, and you are most likely still shitfaced.

That being said, here is a little hint: Today I am wearing a black hoodie, jeans, flip flops.. and my hair is in a ponytail.

So game on... ends at 7pm today because I fucking KNOW you're going to show up at that club tonight and that's bullshit because you already knew I was going to be there four days ago.

And now back to a simulation of EXACTLY how Carl was crunking last night at the bar... That man has some smooth moves.

--Love, Piglet (and Bostick)

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

It's Almost Time...

for my much anticipated trip to Seattle. for those keeping score at home, i'm flying out of Reagan National on Delta around 2pm with a return flight on monday. i'm hoping there won't be a David Beckham like media bonanza at the Seattle airport but you never know. i'm definitely looking forward to meeting a certain 5'3 sex kitten that we refer to as "Emma". maybe we will get drunk together and prank call all of you retards.