Your Eulogy is served... Enjoy. Fags.

I was writing a eulogy just now... but it's somber and morbid and sucks balls...

So I'm not going to work on that anymore. Instead I am going to write long-overdue eulogies about those we've had the honor to offend with our presence in the past.

Call it a series of "closures"... an error in comedy and somewhat due to thc. thank you.

Murphy
You were a good friend. I really wanted to fuck you. All the time.
I also wanted to dress you... and you wanted to dress me too. What that means I'm not sure but I watch hockey now because of you... sometimes.... fag.
And because of you I wear shoes entirely too heal-ie for me. Sure, I get laid and free lunches more often, but really.. my spine hates you.
You loved women as much as I did.
You loved the same women I did.
We were good for each other like balls and corduroy.
Someday I still have hopes to tea-bag you. For serious.

White Devil
You were a good friend. I really wanted to fuck you in pig lard while you braided my hair. All the time. Then I wanted to slip and slide in dead puppies while you sang "Hooker with a Penis".

You made goat-leggings look fantastic... you made hemorrhoids look fantastic. I still remember the day you said "bah" and ripped the head off that squirrel... I cried, but you told me to "eat fresh cunt always."

I helped you with your crabs. you helped me with my scabies. It was an intricate and misunderstood affair. Every so often we are blessed with your spirit here, I think it's because I gave you that jar with my hymen in it.
It is my hope to skull fuck you with Bosticks dick someday.


Calzone
You were a good friend. I really wanted to fuck you for all the wrong reasons and I still do every single day. All the time.

Scumbag and everyone else hated you. But not me, no.
Between you and I Calzone? I stalked you.

I rubbed your undergarments between my legs every Thursday.
I used to think of nothing more heavenly then to have smeared our bodies in ball-bearing grease while having noon tea...
We will snuggle someday still. After I fuck you and kill you.
Unless you do me first.
Just wish I could hear you say "Dilly" one more time.


Scumbag (take 1)
You were a good friend. I really wanted to fuck you because I was jealous of the dead hookers in your trunk. All the time.
And i knew I wouldn't have to shave my legs, or put make-up on. I could be low maintenance with you and it was always much appreciated. Saved me lots of money for beer.

Had I been able to keep you sober, I would have at least saved you from that wasting money on chiefs season.. oh ... uh... saved you from all the fish you didn't catch.
And saved Survivor 2006/WTL from dying a miserable and untimely death too.

Fag.


SHS
You were a good friend. I really wanted to fuck you because I thought you'd make a great pivot man. All the time.

You wanted me to take a picture of myself on the toilet with a scrub brush. I don't think you'll ever know what that means to me. Every time I pull a dryer sheet out of my dogs ass... I... hmmm.


PBC
You were a good friend. I really wanted to fuck you. But I valued life.
Anna wouldn't even have the decency of sniper rifling me in a grocery store parking lot.
Uh-uh.
She'd shoot me at point blank range with a rifle.
And then spit on me.
For serious.
Besides I think you ate babies and large messicans. And you died choking on one perhaps.

Anna and Pearl
You were good friends. I really wanted to fuck you ladies. All the time. Yer were dirty lushes that couldn't hold your liqour ... after the third fifth.
You made me spaghetti and showed me your tits... both of ya.
I think you would both have caudled me and helped me keep in touch with my inner child.
We could have rolled around together.
I coulda been in the middle.

I forgot where I was.

Scumbag (take 2)
You were a good friend - again.
Hmm. You still didn't catch any fish.
You could have swept that candidacy...fag.
pussy. jesus.
Why did you come back?


White Devil
You were a good friend - again. But, we had that cross country motorcycle trip we took that proved you died a gentleman and a hero... well, except for that one time with the pig fetus. I call "foul" on that because your pump fake was limp-wristed.


Johnny Menace
You were a good friend and room-mate. I wanted to fuck you. Bad. With carnal lust in all that is holy. All the time.
.... I think secretly everybody else did too.

You spoke bastard french to me, and locked me in the closet to talk to god.... in return I gave myself to the father, the son, and the holy ghost.
We made sock puppets. And then there was a potluck.

Then you disappeared.
You left me with rent due, a stale bread stick, and shawns retarded mother.
I had been giving blowjobs to the landlord to keep your sharks in a happy home while you were absent. He was dehydrated most of the time and he ate lots of green vegetables. So I left to look for you... and now I am lost.

All that's left are breadcrumbs.... and people saying you are gay. Regardless of whether you're dead or not... I'll prolly still fuck you. I'll just remember to bring my hot water bottle.


There. I feel at peace and "whole" with my universe. Actually, I feel horny thinking about banging all these stiffs I've mentioned above... I need to take that one to bed with me.