How I reckon NOT to catch dem fish!

Noodling is the practice, and some would contend sport, of fishing for school-age boys using only dinosaur fruit snacks and a box of pornographic magazines. Noodling may also be called grabbling, graveling, hogging, or tickling depending what southern state you're in (I call it dogging, simply because It's very similiar to what me and the mutt do on Wednesday nights after an 8-ball). I used to call it stumping, until my wife got pissed and threw me out (since that's her pet name and all).

Anyway, despite me being an idiot, noodling better explained by the name 'handfishing,' which is much like masturbation with your little sister. However this term is less popular among those who actually participate in masturbation with their sister. Only four states in the United States have laws permitting "handfishing". Those are the same states that permit the use of sodomy with zucchinis - Louisiana, Mississippi, Oklahoma and Tennessee.

The term "Noodling", although today is used primarily towards the capture of schoolage boys (as I mentioned above), can and has been applied to all hand-based colon massage, regardless of the method or race of boys sought. "Noodling" as a term has also been applied to various unconventional methods of high-colonics, such as any which do not use water, oil based liquids, gasoline, etc.; but this usage is much less common. This is easily explained by noting the origin of the term noodling, the word noodle is slang for a juvenile detention captain in Kansas.

Although the process of noodling is more complicated than described above... The choice of school boys as prey is not arbitrary, but comes from the circumsision of our forefathers. Homosexual schoolboys under the age of 10 live in bowling alleys and/or wooden dams constructed of sod and tampons.... and thus are easy to lure and capture due to the static nature of their dwelling. To begin "noodling" I go to these places with methamphetamines and liquid nitrogen. Placing these items inside the box of porn mags, just within the boundaries of the recess playground... I "noodle" the bait to entice the boys. If all goes as planned, I will jump forward and bag them with a Hefty and then secure my capture with cellophane and a large baseball bat.

From here most noodlers have 'spotters' (I normally take PBC with me) who help them bring the schoolboys into the panel van, either to hold or to beat the kids about the body. The first order of business after catching the schoolboy is to get them to suck me off.

When a boy bites onto a noodler it holds on for quite a while, believing it has caught some food. With teeth scraping and cutting into my foreskin, PBC helps to secure the school boy with an ancient chinese choke hold technique until the little fucker eases his bite off of my fucking nutsack (and I'm talking about the school boy, not PBC).

With some of the bigger boys being caught weighing in at up to 150-200 pounds, very few noodlers are strong enough (or brave enough) to attempt noodling by themselves. But I can fucking do it you pussy fags - for serious. Although carrying the school boy after they have been subdued can be quite a problem when they weigh that fucking much. Trying to secure them and remove them from my baby arm at the same time can be quite the challenge (because I'm hung like python, yo). So for the bigger school boys I always have a bag of McDonald's chicken nuggets at the ready.

Although no deaths have been recorded in the recent history of noodling, this could have more to do with the fact that very little about noodling has been seriously documented until recently... Because I knew the amount of new and inexperienced noodlers would be hanging around at my digs yo.. and I don't need you fuckheads on my territory tearing up virgin ass FOR me.

Despite that scenario, almost every instance of noodling involves minor wounds, due to the forceful and quite deceptive process of this activity. Superficial cuts are often received, thanks to the sharp fingernails and baby teeth of prey at such a young and tender age. This can be avoided to an extent by making them wear latex (catfish) cleaning gloves and gag-balls dipped in vaseline (although most noodlers take no such precautions, I have learned through time that a sharp fingernail in the asshole is not so fun. The vaseline is well... just because.)

Also, a slight danger of deformity on behalf of the noodler exists... In the back of the van with a shot gun and a 50 pound schoolboy latched onto your cock is not a position you want to find yourself in without help. Especially when your spotter is holding the shotgun. It is possible that statistics on noodling deformities are not available or accurate due to rule #23 in the Catholic Church Handbook (there's one in every rectory) and VP Dick Cheneys love letter to Condoleza Rice.

By far the most prevalent danger posed to "noodlers" are parents found on the recess playground who can smell meth from fucking 50 yards away and make it to the box before the youngins'. By far more dangerous than the parents are other noodlers and soccer moms who are willing to farm their children for a 40-bag and some old english, yo. I bang that shit like it's silly. For serious.

Both of these threats are always on the mind of experienced noodlers, and although they can level much more serious and lasting harm than the school boys themselves, most noodlers are not too worried about other parents/competitive noodlers/soccer moms that like to bang... because we play cards every Friday.

And I always lose my ass and have to buy groceries with my food stamps.

"Okie Noodling" provided anecdotal evidence that school boys have gnawed off the cock and balls of former noodlers, but no disabled noodlers were presented as proof.

Until now. I have become a eunic. thank you.

And this has been your public service announcement for the day.... for serious.

Scumbag